think before you talk (assumptions are a dangerous game)
by The Crownless Queen
Summary: The problem with having a nemesis was that you never knew what they would try next. :: Or in which Snape calls out a noise complaint against Sirius, who consequently thinks that Officer Potter would make an amazing stripper. Muggle!AU.


Written for Hogwarts' Around the World Event: Turkmenistan - Colour: tan, the Muggle Media Assignment: Love Actually: Write a cliche love story, (character) Severus Snape, the Writing Club - Liza's Love: Write a Police-Officer!AU.

 _Word count:_ 2089

* * *

 **think before you talk (assumptions are a dangerous game)**

In his defense, Sirius was already pretty drunk. It was his twenty-fifth birthday — he deserved to celebrate a little.

And yes, okay, maybe the party had gotten a bit loud — the advantage of having rich as fuck relatives who were never around meant that Sirius could just 'borrow' their place to party and then hire someone to take care of the aftermath.

It had the double advantage of pissing off his family and making him popular as the guy who threw the best parties — a true win-win situation.

But between the alcohol muddling his brains and the knowledge that no one would want to bother them here, it meant that Sirius' first thought when the doorbell rang was 'more guests'.

He opened the door and whistled out loud. "Well, _damn_ ," he said, checking out the man in front of him appreciatively.

With tan skin and messy _just-had-sex_ black hair, the man was exactly Sirius' type. Add to that the fact that he was dressed as a police officer and… Well, best birthday gift ever.

He whistled again before letting out a low chuckle. "Hey, guys, who hired me a stripper? I need to know who to thank for this!" he shouted back toward the room filled with dancing bodies behind him, his voice barely carrying over the loud music.

He turned back to face his stripper.

"Nice outfit," Sirius said with a chuckle. "I think this might be the best cop costume I've seen in awhile."

Brown eyes sharpened. "I think there's been a misunderstanding," the man said. "I'm not — whatever you think I am. I'm Officer James Potter and I'm here about a noise complaint I got from a certain…" He looked at a small notepad Sirius hadn't even noticed James take out, eyes flickering over the page quickly. "Severus Snape."

James craned his neck, looking behind Sirius with an unreadable expression. "Seems like he might have been right to complain — your party does seem a bit loud," he said apologetically.

Sirius groaned as he rolled his eyes. Snape was an asshole and pretty much Sirius' nemesis. He honestly couldn't remember _why_ their feud had started, but since then Snape had given Sirius a whole lot of reasons to hate his creepy ass — the least of which was reporting Sirius for everything under the moon, from cheating in his exams back when they were still in college to attempted murder that one time.

But if this was Snape's idea of a prank, or revenge — or whatever sending Sirius a stripper was… Well, Sirius certainly wasn't going to complain.

He would make sure to thank Snape for the birthday gift later, though.

He let his grin widen, leering a little. "Well, _Officer_ , you're welcome to come in and have a look around. Check that nothing… _untoward_ is happening." Sirius winked, delighting in the way James' cheeks darkened a little.

Still, the officer stood his ground and didn't move. "There's definitely a misunderstanding," he repeated. "I don't think I'm what you think I am."

Sirius frowned. He was about to say something when Frank, one of the guys in Sirius' firm — though he worked in accounting and not in security with Sirius — swang an arm around his shoulders.

"Hey, James!" he shouted, voice slurred by the alcohol. "Why ar' ya here? I didn't, didn't think ya knew Shirius — do ya know Shirius? I mean, Shirius. Sirius?" He staggered a little and leaned harder against Sirius, who shifted out from under his arm and took the hall-full glass still in his hand.

"Alright, mate, I think you've had enough." Sirius chuckled.

Frank ignored him, instead focusing on James who was looking more and more awkward. "Wait," he said, pointing a wavering finger in James' face. " _How_ ar' ya here — didn't ya say ya were on like, duty t'nigt?"

James nodded, a smirk playing on his lips as he stared right into Sirius' eyes. "I _am_ on duty tonight. I got a noise complaint."

Frank hummed loudly, head jerking up and down in an exaggerated nod. He turned toward Sirius, patting him on the arm. "Shnape, huh? I'm sorry, that guy's an ashole. Ah-shole." He frowned, trying to puzzle what was going wrong, and said to James with the kind of determination only drunk people could possess, "He's a jerk."

Mutely, Sirius nodded. As James' smirk widened, he felt dread start to pool in his stomach.

"Wait," he said, mouth going dry as a terrible idea started to unfurl in his mind. He licked his lips, suddenly yearning to down whatever was in Frank's glass. He set it down quickly before he succumbed to the urge — something told him that wouldn't be a good idea right now. "You're not a stripper, are you?"

Even though he had been half expecting it, Sirius still flinched when Frank's laughter boomed right next to his ears. "A stripped? James's a _cop_!"

"Alright, you should definitely switch to water, mate — where's your wife, she'll take care of you."

Frank's face lit up at that and he whispered, " _Alice_ ," before wandering off.

Sirius exhaled a sigh of relief and turned back to James, who was looking at him with eyes twinkling with mirth.

"So…" he said with an embarrassed chuckle. "I'm sorry about this?"

James shrugged. "It'll make a nice story to tell the guys tomorrow." He ran a hand through his hair, Sirius' eyes drawn to the smooth line of his neck almost against his will by that gesture. "And hey, I'm kinda flattered — do I really look like I could be a stripper?"

"Well, yeah," Sirius blurted out. "I mean, have you seen you? Plus, the uniform," he added dreamily, before blanching as he realized what he'd just said.

Luckily, James didn't seem to take offense and just laughed again.

"Right — but about that noise complaint…"

Sirius shook his head, refocusing. "Right, that." He scowled. "Listen, that's a misunderstanding too — Snape is the name of this guy who hates me and would do anything to annoy me. He doesn't even live anywhere near here, there's no way he could have heard anything loud enough to make a noise complaint from the other side of town."

James whistled. "Wow, really?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. He's an-"

"Ashole?" James suggested with a smirk.

"Not quite the word I was going for," Sirius said with a bark of laughter. "But sure, that works."

James sobered up. "Alright, but a complaint was still filed — and looking at it, it does seem like your party is loud enough to bother your neighbors." He looked truly apologetic, and Sirius knew he should be taking this seriously, but it was hard to do when James looked so cute like this.

"It would," Sirius agreed, " _if_ I had any neighbors." He rolled his eyes. "My parents own this building, and no one actually lives here."

"Oh. I see." James shifted on his feet. "Then I guess everything's in order." He looked almost disappointed at the thought, and Sirius' heart skipped a beat in his chest. He tasted hope at the back of his throat.

"Well…"

It was almost comical how quickly James' head snapped up. "Yes?"

"The way I see it," Sirius started slowly, "sending you here for no good reason was a misappropriation of your _fine_ services. Wasn't it?"

James huffed out a laugh. "I know what you're trying to do," he said, crossing his arms.

Sirius smiled. "Is it working?"

"Maybe." James shrugged with a nonchalance that the eager glint in his eyes betrayed. "I could use more convincing. When," he added, looking at Sirius pointedly, "I'm out of the uniform."

"I could help with that."

"You have to know that's not what I meant," James replied, tone steady despite the red of his cheeks.

"That's not a 'no', though," Sirius replied, heart racing in his chest.

"I don't put out on the first date. Not that _this_ ," he said, gesturing between them, "constitutes of a date in any way."

Sirius grinned. "Of course not. I might, though. Put out on the first date, that is." He winked.

" _Really_?" James asked quickly, before leaning back and clearing his throat. "I mean, you would?"

"Uh-uh," Sirius said, nodding. "Of course, it does depend on how good the first date was." He winked.

"Of course," James echoed dimly, eyes blown wide.

His phone vibrated in his pocket, shattering the moment.

 _How long had they been standing there, flirting?_ Sirius wondered dimly as he took in the lines of James' face, the dark color of his skin in the low light of the hallway. _How long had he been ignoring his own party for this man?_

James looked up from his phone, lips pulled down in an apologetic wince, and Sirius realized that he would spend forever with this man, doing exactly what they had just been doing — and hopefully, more, too.

"I'm sorry, I have to go."

Sirius felt his lips stretch into a gentler smile. "Of course," he said. "Someone has to protect us normal folk."

James' eyes trailed over Sirius' arm, making him shiver. When James finally looked back to Sirius' face, he was smirking. "Somehow, I doubt that you're one of those."

"Takes one to know one," Sirius shot back.

James laughed and shook his head fondly. He took a step back, eyes flickering down to his phone with hesitation.

"You should go," Sirius urged him.

"I know," James said, sighing. "But…"

"You don't want to? Let me guess, I dazzled you with my fantastic personality."

"If you want to go with that… Sure," James drawled, eyes sparkling with mirth. He nodded once, determined, and twisted on his heels after a quick goodbye.

He had barely taken three steps away from him when Sirius called him back. "Will I see you again?"

James turned around, smiling. "I'll find you," he promised.

"Sounds ominous." _And slightly illegal_ , Sirius didn't mention, though his smirk probably did that for him.

"Well, if you think so, you could always give me your number," James replied smoothly, and Sirius had to laugh at that.

"You only had to ask, you know," Sirius said as he typed in his number before handing James back his phone. "I wouldn't have said no."

"I gathered that," James said, looking at him pointedly. "You weren't being very discreet." He took one look at his new contact, and choked on his saliva. " _Siriusly Available_?"

Sirius winked. "Hopefully not for much longer."

"We'll see," James said, typing something quickly on his phone. Seconds later, Sirius' phone let out a loud chime, signaling a new text message.

"And now you have my number too," James replied. He leaned in toward Sirius a little before jerking back. "I really do have to go now, though."

"I'll see you around, then," Sirius replied, fingers burning to dig out his phone and check his new message.

James hesitated once again, before saying, "It was really nice to meet you, _Sirius_."

Hearing his name in James' mouth shouldn't have made him feel such things, and yet it did — somehow, James made his name sound like a caress, like something to be savored.

"Right back at you, _James_." Sirius made sure to purr James' name, preening with pride when James' reaction echoed his own.

James did leave after that, though he looked as regretful about it as Sirius felt.

Sirius walked back inside the apartment, locking the door behind him and letting himself slide down against it. Somehow, it was easy to ignore the loud beat of the music and the laughter of the people dancing and focus on the tiny _new message_ icon on his phone.

With trembling fingers, Sirius opened it.

There were two messages.

The first read, _Hey,_ Siriusly Available _, what do you say about maybe turning into Siriusly_ Not _Available? Say, are you free next Tuesday night? I know a nice diner we can go to._

Followed by _This is James, by the way. The not-a-stripper guy._

Sirius typed back _I'm free as a bird on Tuesday_ , and tried not to grin too sappily at his phone when James immediately sent back an address and a time as well as a string of happy emojis.

Best. Birthday. Ever.

(And he even had Snape to thank for it — seeing that oily jerk's face when Sirius told him that would be icing on this lovely, perfect cake.)


End file.
